Bad Day

I am a bad sport lately and I don’t like it.  I may be many things, but one thing I always prided myself on was being a “good sport”.  Through years of Girl Scout bake-offs, 4-H presentations and high school Odyssey of the Mind competitions - losing gracefully was part and parcel of the overall process.

I know raising a child should not be looked at as a competition – there are no winners or losers.  But lately I find myself feeling like a “bad sport” when the other mother’s in my baby/mom group fire off emails like “I’ll be late to play group because we have music class this morning!” or “Gee, headed over to the playground/farm/playgym, does anyone want to meet me there?”  When I read these I just feel bad.  Because I work, Callie never gets to have lunch with a friend or attend an impromptu playdate.  We never get to just head over to “where ever” and have time with friends.

I am usually sitting there at my desk, in a cubicle on the 4^th floor, grumpy and frustrated because it feels like everyone else in the world is out having a good time and Callie and I are missing out.  I hate the jealous/bad sport feelings I have, I also hate the fact that the playgroup members really never make allowances for the fact I work full time.  When I am free and Callie and I could join in they are busy with spouses and family – when they are free I am chained to a desk located over an hour away from home and Callie is in daycare.  I’ve tried taking time off during the week, but time off is not only precious and not easy to come by it requires one week notice and a form to be completed and signed off on by at least two administrators.  No dropping everything and swinging over to the local discovery museum for us.

Please don’t get me wrong, I really like and respect the women and children I met in the “first time” moms group and it was great getting to know them all and watch everyone grow – the problem was and is – I was the only one who had to go back to work.  The thing is I envy their freedom, I envy the ability to really invest the time with their babies and I feel horrible that I can’t be that kind of mom for Callie.

When I was a little girl playing “mommy” with my dolls, I never pretended to be a working mom, honestly growing up I never even knew a mom that worked outside the home until I was a teenager.  Even as a young woman, I thought that by this time in my life I would be a “house wife” and not a “career woman”.  But the reality of life is much different today.  We could survive without most of my salary, but we would have no medical or dental insurance.

I need to work on forgiving myself for not being able to stay home and I need to work on my acceptance that even though this is not the life I would have chosen, it is the life I have to lead.  I think what I need in the big picture what I need is a peer group of other working moms who want to take that preciously small amount of time we do have to do all the things we want to do for and with our toddlers.  They must be out there; I can’t be the only first time mom feeling this way. 

Sewing

My mother recently asked me why I was sewing so much and at the time I really didn’t have an answer.  I think in reality I am sewing more because it is one of the “crafty” things I do that is easy to start and stop based on Callie’s needs and what is going on.

 I think in the bigger picture I just want Callie to have things that I made just for her.  I want her to remember being little and think of things like homemade cookies,  hand sewn dolls, knitted doll blankets and mom-made summer dresses.  I don’t want her main memories to be of mom rushing out the door to work and mom too tired to play after making the long trek home from work.

My fondest memories of my childhood are having tons of animals around, watching new baby calves in the field, my grandmother and some other family friends teaching me to sew and knit.  I hate that I can’t stay home with Callie and I am constantly trying to think out how to give her those special memories to have.

I know it is sort of futile to “worry ahead” as my husband terms it. I realize life is what you make of it, and much of it comes to you in the moment.  I just want to be prepared to make the most of the moments I have, as I miss a lot of them when she is in daycare.

So I am working on polishing up my rusty sewing skills, I am endeavoring to set some time for myself to finish needle pointing Callie’s Christmas stocking and I am loving my daughter more and more each and every day.

Where did my tiny baby go....

Looking through some old photos today and I was struck by just how much Callie had changed since October 2011! Here she is at the campgrounds Columbus Day Weekend - so tiny! I just don't know when she became such a "big" girl!

Cuddly

When I was very little I had a somewhat similar dolly that had belonged to my mom. She was ratty and well loved and I called her Cuddly. Cuddly was close at hand for much of my childhood and at several junctures carefully repaired by my "Grammie". I don't have "Cuddly" to give to my baby girl, but I am so thrilled I could make something special for her.

We went to visit my mom in Saratoga County NY this weekend. As always it is nice to have other people around who can play with and attend to Callie, leaving me a bit more relaxed and having the occasional moment with my hands free.

With all the stuff that traveling to "Gran's" house requires I didn't bring my sewing machine along, but eager to start my Waldorf baby project, I thought I might do some hand sewing. Crazy yes, time consuming certainly - but all in all well worth the effort.

I think Callie's Cuddly's head may be a bit to big, but was able to use my very rusty embroidery skills to give her a small pink smile and blue eyes to make Callie's own.

It was a long weekend, but when we were finally settled back in our home last night I gave Cuddly to Callie for the first time. Don and I agree it was love at first site.

Cuddly was dragged about the family room and lovingly clutch on the way to bed. Callie has several stuffed friends in her crib, so I've gotten in the habit of saying "bring a friend" when she gets up to start her day. This morning she grabbed Cuddly straight off.

I have no idea if the new Cuddly will be Callie's forever friend like my Cuddly was for me, but I am happy in the moment knowing that was able to make something that give my little girl some joy.

One Year Later

Just about a year ago I was still on maternity leave, we were living in our old rented house on Newtown Road and Callie was just three months old. As the saying goes - what a difference a year makes!

 

In some ways I feel badly that I have neglected my writing, but there is nothing in the world I would trade for what I have EXPERIENCED in the past 12 months. Now that Callie is just about 15 months old I feel some of my old "self" coming back and then again I also in feel that there are new aspects of me that I am finally getting accustomed to. I know they say a baby changes everything but I had no idea just how true that is.

 

A year later, I am back to work full time (a topic to be tackled at a later time), we now own a home of our very own and Callie has evolved from a sweet helpless babe to a roving, gregarious toddler. I have no idea what the future holds, all I can say is I'm glad I'm up to writing and reflecting again.

C is for Callie

The baby is actually napping! So to catch everyone up - Caroline Elaine Ahern, born December 24, 2010, Concord, Massachusetts. She weighed in at 6 pounds 1 ounce and was 19 1/2 inches long.