Bad Day

I am a bad sport lately and I don’t like it.  I may be many things, but one thing I always prided myself on was being a “good sport”.  Through years of Girl Scout bake-offs, 4-H presentations and high school Odyssey of the Mind competitions - losing gracefully was part and parcel of the overall process.

I know raising a child should not be looked at as a competition – there are no winners or losers.  But lately I find myself feeling like a “bad sport” when the other mother’s in my baby/mom group fire off emails like “I’ll be late to play group because we have music class this morning!” or “Gee, headed over to the playground/farm/playgym, does anyone want to meet me there?”  When I read these I just feel bad.  Because I work, Callie never gets to have lunch with a friend or attend an impromptu playdate.  We never get to just head over to “where ever” and have time with friends.

I am usually sitting there at my desk, in a cubicle on the 4^th floor, grumpy and frustrated because it feels like everyone else in the world is out having a good time and Callie and I are missing out.  I hate the jealous/bad sport feelings I have, I also hate the fact that the playgroup members really never make allowances for the fact I work full time.  When I am free and Callie and I could join in they are busy with spouses and family – when they are free I am chained to a desk located over an hour away from home and Callie is in daycare.  I’ve tried taking time off during the week, but time off is not only precious and not easy to come by it requires one week notice and a form to be completed and signed off on by at least two administrators.  No dropping everything and swinging over to the local discovery museum for us.

Please don’t get me wrong, I really like and respect the women and children I met in the “first time” moms group and it was great getting to know them all and watch everyone grow – the problem was and is – I was the only one who had to go back to work.  The thing is I envy their freedom, I envy the ability to really invest the time with their babies and I feel horrible that I can’t be that kind of mom for Callie.

When I was a little girl playing “mommy” with my dolls, I never pretended to be a working mom, honestly growing up I never even knew a mom that worked outside the home until I was a teenager.  Even as a young woman, I thought that by this time in my life I would be a “house wife” and not a “career woman”.  But the reality of life is much different today.  We could survive without most of my salary, but we would have no medical or dental insurance.

I need to work on forgiving myself for not being able to stay home and I need to work on my acceptance that even though this is not the life I would have chosen, it is the life I have to lead.  I think what I need in the big picture what I need is a peer group of other working moms who want to take that preciously small amount of time we do have to do all the things we want to do for and with our toddlers.  They must be out there; I can’t be the only first time mom feeling this way.